Alone

This past week was a long one for me.  Kevin was away and my school was creeping in on all of my free time and sleep time.  I just couldn't relax or feel calm without an incredible amount of effort.   These kinds of weeks come and go, and my anxiety with having to "do it all" causes me to feel like a really crappy partner and parent.  It was the kind of week where anything I know about patience and calm with my children sounds great when I read it, but was certainly not happening in reality.   Kevin gets the texts, emails and phone calls of me claiming that I am losing my mind and that I am so tired.  "You being away is getting more difficult as the girls get older," I claim.  Or is it?  This was just a no good week and sleep deprivation had taken a hold of me.  I can't imagine how Kevin feels being on the other end of it all.  He is quick to offer to take the girls for the weekend so that I can be alone.  I hesitate at his suggestion.  "But I will miss out on so much" is what I think.  I don't immediately agree to this, nor do I disagree.  I let the idea sit with me as Friday approaches.

Eventually, as the end of my Friday work day arrived, I found myself more in agreement with the idea.

Kevin had made his way out earlier in the day.  So, as I pack the girls into the car, my neighbour yells from across the street, "You must be off to the trailer." Knowing that my hoodie, tights, knee high socks with my gum boots and rough pony tail are a dead giveaway, I yell back with "Yep, but I'm leaving the girls there with Kevin and coming home for a weekend all to myself."  He responds something like, "Oh great!" but behind his expression I can just imagine that he is thinking, "No s%^#, I've heard you yelling at your kids all week through your open windows."   I quickly recall a comical conversation my co-worker and I had the other day when she reminded me that I was perhaps just normalizing the experience for all the other parents in my neighbourhood.  That's it, right?  But what about our new neighbours who are pregnant with their first and full of idealistic thoughts of how they will raise their child?  What are they thinking of me and my loud mouth?  Argh!  I opted to stop this ridiculous thinking and just get in the car and drive.

My K's and I enjoy dinner prepared by Kevin and a walk with some neighbouring campers.  After tucking the girls into their bunk bed in the trailer, Kevin walks me out to the car.  I start into him, "Don't forget to lock the trailer at night," "Don't let them wander," "Safety is so important," "Make sure this, make sure that..."  I sound like an over protective parent.  I am nervous about leaving them.  Ridiculous.  At the risk of belittling Kevin's incredible ability of being their father I just have to drive away and know that my time alone is exactly what needs to happen.  It was 9:00pm when I left my K's for the weekend.

I arrived home to a dark and quiet home, but it feels just like any other "after bedtime" night.  The biggest difference being that there were no kids in their bedrooms to tuck in and kiss goodnight later that night.  I crawl into my bed and come face to face with reminders of last night's bed guest still in my bed.  "Lamby" and Karis' blanket.

My sleep is not continuous and when morning light is obvious, I am tempted to check the clock, hoping that it was later than usual and that I actually did sleep in.

I sure did.  And obviously it was just what my body needed.

Now what? With little effort, I am bombarded ideas for this opportunity and a list of things I plan to whip off in no time...afterall, I am kidless!  I start to feel that I could use a full week of being alone to accomplish most of what I have just thought of.

One of which things on the list is the laundry to be put away, from last weekend, but I quickly decide it can wait until this weekend's is added to it.

Podcasts come to mind.  All the many CBC programs that I listen to in segments while driving in my car.  Now is the time to download them and listen to them in full....while I go for a run perhaps.

Pulling out my iPod reminds me of the reason I have it.  A forgotten anniversary.  Yes, this was the "make up" gift I received from Kevin after I wished him a Happy Anniversary during our goodnight conversation on the phone the night of our 3rd anniversary.   He was out of town, but was caught off guard about it all.  I certainly didn't expect anything, we giggled over the fact that he had no idea, but whatever, I'll take iPod in return!  I haven't used it in forever and I am unsure how to get things on and off of it, but I figured it out!  Yay!

While I wait for it to 'sync and for the battery to charge, I send a text to my girls and Kevin

I take note of the mail we received from Kamille's future elementary school.  Oh my goodness.  (more to come on this).

I check and notice that I have five random chapters in my text book to read this weekend.   This weeks readings are on confidentiatlity and informed consent in psychotherapy - one of my favourite topics, seriously.  Kamille once made strips of paper with her name on them and rather than hitting the recycling bin, they have made it into the pages of my book and help me to keep track of the chapters I have to get to.

I go outside to check the temperature and as I am standing there it begins to drizzle.  I decide that I am a fairweather runner and opt to meet up with Jillian indoors.

37 minutes later the sun was out and my Jillian Michael's workout was over.  Feeling like a chicken for avoiding the drizzle, I decided that in the end the sweat I generated from Jillian was far more than what I would have got on a casual run.

From here, I know exactly what my next "alone" task is going to be.
I have a love hate relationship wtih my shower.  It aesthetic is wonderful, its ability to look clean sucks.  Picking up my Enjo cloth proves to be a secondary workout of the "wax on, wax off" type as I attack that build up on the glass.

This just re-affirmed my love affair with my Enjo glove and I make a promise to myself to use it more often.  

At about noon the guilt starts to set in and I wonder if I am using my alone time wisely.  Maybe I shouldn't do chores.  I reflect on the fact that I didn't use my time to make a fresh pot of coffee, rather, I microwaved yesterdays leftovers.  I'm not sure why.  I've also spent a bit of time choosing photos for a local art exhibit and sent them to be printed and then I receive an email from my mother asking me if I have time to send her some photos of the girls so that she can make them some cute little note books (which the front and back covers are done with photos).   Yes, I do have time, but now its lunch time and my day is flown by.

A quick lunch and off to the market I go.  There, I purchase an all-you-can-stuff bag filled with peppers, 3 small summer squash, and a bag full of apricots. A couple more were errand completed and then I picked up my photos on the way back home.

However, this is where my day took an expected turn, in spite of fact that I had no plans.

As I was driving home I began to have this jagged flashing light appear in my vision.  All. of. a. sudden.  It wouldn't go away.  Once I got into my house I realized how much my vision was affected.  I couldn't concentrate on anything but this flashing.  My vision was not normal and I was beginning to feel a bit panicked as my awareness was completely in my head and my peripheral vision felt blurred.  This is when being alone sucked.

I drove myself to my optometrist office and was able to be seen shortly after arriving.  By the time I sat down things seemed to be returning to normal.  Now I was beginning to doubt myself and my reason for attending, but I figured that I might as well attempt to get an answer about what I had experienced.

Turns out I had an ocular migrane (spasing of the ocular nerves at the base of the brain).  And according to the short little video that I watched while I was there my symptoms were 100% typical and I was going to be fine (with the potential of a headache or migrane to happen).  I almost sputtered when my optometrist asked me if I had been experiencing a high level of stress lately.  While I was there I had my pupils dialated just to rule out retinal detachment, so I was forced to put my textbooks down for a while until my vision restored itself.  A popped ibuprofen later and I was feeling pretty good.

crazy eyes and new eyebrows!  

I felt good enough to attend my first appointment for threading my eyebrows.  Amazing!  Only $5 and I have a plan for a new and improved eyebrow look that she will continue to shape for me over the next few weeks.

As I wear my sunglasses indoors and into the summer night, I make myself some dinner, talk to my mom on the phone and sift through my draft blog posts to see what inspires me tonight.

And needing to feel that sense of accomplishment that overcomes me a lot in every day, I did some laundry, floor cleaning with my favourite all natural cleaner (motivated by a brand new bottle purchased today!) and some vaccuming.  I know I am really alone because I finished that all up in record time.

A much deserved treat to follow.

I also rewarded myself with time for some new nail polish on my toes.  Note to self: Never buy the $3.00 nail polish to save money just in case you don't like the colour on your toes.  You will never like any colour on your toes when the colour is as runny as water.

Kevin called.  They are all well and he is glad to hear that I am all good.  The girls are having a blast.

When I am no longer able to use my vision as an excuse for not reading, I decide that an early return to bed with my textbook is the best way to end this day.  And so it happened, quietly, in my dark home.

I was awoken by the sound of kids yelling outside.  Please oh please let me have slept in.....

Awesome!

I take this day in similar fashion as yesterday.  A good sweat on with Jillian, followed by some wax on, wax off cleaning, this time of the white painted walls of our home, and all around the height of a two-year old. ; )

School, I think.  I must read for school.  This is what really interferes with my parenting calm when the girls are home.  With a pot of fresh coffee made, I read, for most of the morning and into the afternoon on our most comfortable carpet.

Kevin texts.  He asks if I want to do sushi for dinner tonight.  You bet'cha I do!

Its nearly 4:30 in the day and I have downloaded and emailed photos, worked on some blog posts, prepared for school work to be done later, started laundry, and created a menu plan for this week.  I have cleared out much of the stress and tension in my state of being and I find myself excited for everyone's return.  I look forward to Kamille's smiles and hugs and Karis' crazy funny personality.  I can't wait to hear their stories over a casual night out for dinner.

At just past 6pm, my girls arrived home with their Daddy.  Kevin looking a bit overwhelmed with the post-camping clean up, and my girls, just as I expected, were giddy and happy to see me.

they were on fire, dancing around with excitement. 

Being alone is good.
It does good things for the state of mind and being well over all.
What I have to remember is that I need to take the time for being alone more often, and not just when I am about to, or have already lost my mind.
Kevin always suggests that I go off on my own or that he takes the girls.  Its not like I don't have the chance.  I do.
This weekend has proven to me just how much I must.
Feeling recharged and relaxed, I am ready to take on life.
I am grateful, so grateful for this shift.

Adventures in Bus Riding II

Inspired by last year's adventure in bus riding, we decided to do it again.  

Like last year, our bus trip revolved around taking my car in for repairs.  We had a 9am appointment to drop it off and shortly afterwards the girls and I left our car garage with lollipops treats from the receptionist and plans for some bus riding. 

Since the buses in our town run about every hour or so, a we walked for a morning snack to pass the time.

I have no idea why, but Kamille has this obsession with smoking.  She has learned that it is bad for health and now wherever we are she notices people holding cigarettes, announces when she smells smoke and always points out people "with smoke in their mouth."  Obsessed, or assessed, as she says the word.  ; )  We've had plenty a conversation about why people choose to smoke cigarettes when they know it is bad for them and she is just floored by the fact that my Grandfather smoked a pipe.  Well, as you can imagine outside of a car garage there are 1000 smoke butts on the ground and a few guys on break smoking.  She must have pointed out 500 butts in disgust.  Lets just hope she maintains that attitude in life later on too.  

Anyway, off to Tim Hortons we went.

Both girls are loving to wear sundresses these days.  This was a happy day for them because by 9am the sun was shining bright and warm!  

Karis' favourite snack is a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

Kamille loves to have Timbits and I had a Dutchie donut.  Tim Hortons coffee is not my favourite, but it does the trick when I get the girls snacks here.  

Lots of laughs and giggles from these two.

Karis really is our funny girl.  She's always monkeying around.

oh, karis!  

Kamille opted to save some of her Timbits for Kevin.  She loves her Daddy and I love how she thinks of him.

Next stop was to Walmart where we would pick up some new Croc-like shoes for the girls before hoping on the bus.

Bus stop time!

And just like last year, Kamille started to ask me where the bus was as soon as we got to the stop.  With patience, I attempted to explain that we would have a short wait before we saw the bus coming.  But her understanding of short is far too long for her liking.   The questioning continues to come at me.

And then finally it came!  

I had snapped a photo of the girls waiting at the bus stop and sent it to Kevin via my cell phone.  Not long after we noticed Kevin standing across the street from us.  He had been in the Home Depot when he received my text, he recognized where were were standing and came running out to see us but it was just as the bus arrived.

There we were...as Kevin snapped us.

The last time we did this Karis was in a stroller but she pretty much had the same expression as she looked around the bus this year.

I love this shot of Kamille checking things out.

Kamille pointed out familiar places and things that we usually pass by in our car, but Karis was pretty still and expression-less.  When I asked her if she was having fun she'd give me a quick smile or a nod.   

And within a few short minutes we were at our stop.
My little pro bus riders!

They wanted to do it again.  I think we should and next time go for a longer ride!
I look forward to planning another fun trip on the bus for my girls.  Its a whole lot of fun for just $1.75!

We Create It. We Live It.

If I thought "better when we're together" applied to our rained out Canada Day long weekend up at the trailer, well then the weekend that followed was just "over the top, insanely incredible, when we're together."  

There is something about being able to look back at the photos of our amazing family filled weekends up at our little corner and reviewing the things we did and the experiences that we had with so much gratitude.  We, Kevin, Me, Stacey and Rory, have created these incredible experiences for our families. Its not luck that they fall into our laps.  We come up with it, and live it.  Its not difficult either.  Its about appreciating our natural surroundings and experiencing the simple things within it.   

These four kiddos are what inspire us, I'm sure of it.  

You want family fun on a beach?
You got it.  How does your own private beach sound?

We made it happen.

 I was first off the boat and in charge of set up.

 The kids eagerly anticipated their departure from base camp.

We weren't entirely "off the grid." We left the other one at base camp so we could communicate with anyone passing by or visiting.  

hellooooo????

And just like that, we had a shelter from the blazing sun, music, sand toys, towels, games, drinks, food and happy, very happy, children and parents!

summer fruit is seriously the best!  

limes and corona included in this little escape plan! 

Its not the sandiest beach (at least not at the water front).   Its more like mud that you sink into, but the kids think its the coolest thing ever.  

 And the 360 view is stunning.  Seriously.  Nothing but mountain tops and open sky.

Watching these kids have fun, the running-around,-so-much-to-do-and-enjoy kind of fun, reminds me of how awesome this side of the water is.  I've said it before, there is something special about being on the other side.  It sucks you in and you can't help but live in the moment and forget about what might be elsewhere.  

I still don't know what this game is called, but the home-made version of it that Rory and Stacey received as a gift was the perfect kind of competition fun for us all to enjoy.

I may have got all my balls on in my first try.  That's my first three tosses, all on, no misses.  Just sayin'.  (I'm kinda awesome!)

And speaking of awesome......

Glllaaaammmper!  Right there!  Awesomeness!  

 The kite didn't make it up for too long.

A family of 5?????  Oh there was a time when I would have loved this idea!
(I'm happy to say that my roots have since been taken care of.  Good lord!).

I sure do love my Family of 8 though!  We never fight.  (At least not those 36 years and older.  At times we joke that Karis and Henry need a restraining order!).  

Look at that hair!  Awesomeness!  

 Say Kev, what'cha got there in the canoe with ya?

 Oh no we didn't!!!!!!!!!

Funny thing about it was that the kids had no reference point to really understand what this was all about.  We could have used an internet signal to show them how its done. Same-same, right?  

Total Fun! 

even if you just run down the blue tarp! 

two of my favourite people in the whole world. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent walking this island of sand and alders.  We found a great pool of water for the kids to splash in around the one side, but I hadn't brought my camera to capture it.  Trust me, it was awesome.

It was about four hours or so later that we decided to make our way back to base camp for some dinner.

But having to follow that afternoon up with a fantastic dinner and great chats around the campfire is far from disappointing.

The next day.....
Good morning girls!

 I love my little Fresh Eyes in the morning!

Kevin set out on an early morning paddle to retrieve our "drying out" tarp that was creating a blemish in the incredible morning view.

And in true, make-it-home fashion, the boys took on the task of creating a gorgeous entry way to our waterfront.

 Last year's stairs and ramp eroded away over the changing of the seasons, so this year they were determined to create something indestructible.

 They'd be lying if they said they didn't enjoy themselves.

 The kids were completely entertained once Kevin sparked up the chainsaw.

 And by the end of the day......

so awesome!  thanks boys!  

When the work was done, I was excited to make my way back over to the other side for a quick visit.

 Wilson and Kevin too.

Glacier fed water that only a dog, and Kevin could stand for the crossing.  I couldn't even get my knees fully in without having that painful cold feeling.

I spent some time with just Gus and Kamille in the small pools of water.  It was so great to just sit back and watch them play with each other.  Kids, being kids.  As I sat there, I had that feeling of, "I just love this" come over me.  It was at that exact moment that Gus, while deep in their own moment of play under the incredible sun and surroundings said, "I love you Kamille."  She didn't respond in words.  She just smiled and gave me the Did-you-just-hear-that? glance.  I smiled back at her.  I sure did.  He feels it too, I thought to myself.  

living and loving what we have created for our families!

The other side of the river is something special.    

Just one more place for us to sink our feet into and really live the experiences that we create for our families.